Change of rhythm…change of sensation

Last week, while walking in one of my favourite woods in Prague, I realized how I was collapsing into my  belly. I was feeling that a part of my weight was sitting on my lower back and my chest had dropped from its usual high and suspended position. And with the awareness I remembered my verticality, tried to really feel the ground under my feet and somehow grow upwards without holding too much. 

I immediately felt the two directional flow in my body: as if a part of my weight became fluid and was flowing downwards, as another part of my weight was rising upwards through my volumes. 

Being in this sensation changed the way I was perceiving the surroundings: trees started moving, I heard the bird songs better (although they had been chanting all the time since the beginning of the day), I could feel the cool morning air on my face.

My mind started drifting away into thoughts, words and concepts came flushing in, without syntax or entire thoughts: weight, carrying, loading, unloading, courage, wanting, should-be’s, experiences, responsibilities… Then slowly broken sentences and questions appeared: …when to unload the weight of an experience… freeing oneself from the should-be’s… how to dig the courage in order to free oneself from lived experiences and burdens?... unload unnecessary memories… don’t carry guilt, sadness, frustrations….

I had to sit to welcome some thoughts. As I found a lovely wet bench amidst beautiful trees, I sat down first to feel my sitbones on the bench, then remembered not to collapse my chest, so I stayed erect. I enjoyed the view in front of me, beautiful light, slight breeze and the bird songs. Gigi came immediately and sat next to me on the earth, keeping also an upright position in sweet alert. 

During this process of sitting there feeling my spine and the nature around me, I realized that the emotions that were like a burden in my body started deflating.  From being a burden they transformed to being normal partners who we encounter as we walk through life’s moments. 

My perception of them changed, and I felt a little bit less touched by them. I gave myself time to breathe consciously, to stretch the time and really feel free for a moment, because I chose to do so.

It was a sense of freedom and of choice that belonged only to me and Gigi instinctively shared it with me…I could feel what she feels when she stops and sniffs the air coming from far far away.

As we walk we get older, as we get older we feel more the power of gravity. The relationship starts when we keep the relationship of our erectedness with gravity in a kind and loving way, so that we can walk erectly and grow gently with love and kindness away from gravity, which is stronger and stronger as we get weaker. The quest is to find  how to make that relationship into  fluid love without borders, without gender, without labels -  just a dance of sensation and feeling, as we walk through life.

When I now read these paragraphs, which have been written during the past week, I realize again the importance of slowing down, and of sometimes stopping even. But stopping in a chosen way, consciously in order to feel the process into which we put ourselves while we are in action. The art of  finding complete harmony and acceptance in staying calm and resting is still a mystery to me. Resting but not from exhaustion, resting while fully feeling energetic, resting in action in order to become more aware of what is happening, caused by our actions has always been a challenge.

This conscious pausing helps us to connect instantly to what has been done a moment before  and what is to be done the moment after. The time of suspension during the pausing is crucial. When we pause consciously we can actually realize what has happened and then see the possibilities of the action that is to follow.

The regular practice of this conscious pausing creates a difference in the way we experience life. It opens space in our sensation and mind. We have the possibility to settle into time, to install ourselves into a flow, to nestle into a space and to surrender to the moment. 

As much as I find it easy to pause consciously while I am dancing or improvising, I find it very difficult to pause in everyday life. Even when I have to pause certain actions, because others occupy the priority seat, I have a hard time to settle into that pause and accept it. Instead I judge myself for a while and find lots of arguments that unjustify the pause. The change in rhythm causes a change in the sensation of how I live that experience.

For example, I started writing this blog last week and I have not been able to finish it. I have been thinking about writing it every single day, feeling a little bad inside for not sitting down and writing it. I felt carried away by other important chores, care takings, giving time to loved ones, and then not having the strength to sit and write. And I will probably not finish it today either. But the writing is maturing in me. As for the so-called Manual: I haven’t written for some time, I have managed to pause consciously, as I did in the forest last week, and as I do every day during my walk with Gigi. Those moments make me feel that the writing is maturing in me. It is a sensation that I feel in my body, a cooking, a rumbling, a bubbling of energy. It feels as if the words would stream through my veins and slide through my fascia.

And then I tell myself: as long as I have this sensation I shouldn’t worry:)

The connection is there, alive, flowing… the action and movement will happen in the right time.

This is the 50th blog:) I cannot believe that for 50 weeks I have been writing, with short pauses sometimes, but nevertheless we have reached 50!

And there will be more

🤍