A cold day, quiet everywhere, deep snow and lots of thoughts…

I am supposed to write tomorrow, but I have this little urge to write. It is Sunday early evening, so 11.1.2026 and it is 18:57, outside is -7 degrees, snow is covering everything and Gigi is restlessly barking at the semi-hibernating wild boars outside our fence in the forest. I lit up three candles and I am sitting on the big couch. We just came home from a long walk in the white forest at sunset with my lovely daughter Sofia-Su, then had an early dinner at the local pub. The walk was magical, we were listening to our steps in the snow, and the snow glittering, so fine and clean!

I had thought last week that I would get some good amount of writing done, but I haven’t managed. Instead I have written some workshop texts, I worked on the “poetry project”, and was reading.. and mostly thinking. Not so much about the book or my work, but more on random things that occupy my mind these days. 

Maybe I should share some music before I present to you all my messy thoughts dear reader… Now let me see, what could accompany my full mind being transposed by my capable fingers?

Here it is : https://open.spotify.com/album/50zeWF9YgUf6ql9HzvO78c?si=_m_kaVUtTtC-aH_4x8veVw

Mendelssohn, Lieder Ohne Worte, played by Javier Perianes

I must admit I am not so much of a Mendelssohn fan, although I have a lot of respect for this young genius who has apparently had a very passionate life composing, thinking, drawing, creating. But somehow his music has not really touched me until now. But this evening this album somehow accompanies my thoughts best.

I am not a psychologist, nor have I an extensive academic background on psychology, but working with the body, and what makes this body move, I have my experience in feeling and seeing, witnessing processes of others, my own process. So my thoughts are only my own and should not be taken as conclusions or truths, and they should be approached with a healthy doubt. 

I am wondering about the subconscious a lot: we all know that the dance, when given space in a certain way, is a medium for the subconscious to express itself. The thoughts, ideas that are somehow being created in the subconscious communicate to us through actions, images, metaphors and of course dreams. And the movement that happens in the subconscious shapes the physical movements of our body when we allow the body to work in a certain way, for example in improvisation.

No, no I am not going to give a lesson. This was just the introduction. Now, imagine a person who grows under certain circumstances into young adulthood. Then learns more and goes into the world, into a relationship (or more), get a job or marries and becomes a parent (in this case I consider parenthood seriously just like any other professions); then somehow this person stays is in the shadow of others, because they have never had the possibility to put themselves in the list of priorities. So they start creating ….

I must interrupt my thoughts here because the Lied of Mendelssohn “Venetianisches Gondellied” has just touched my soul…what a melody!!!!

Coming back to my thoughts: so the person starts creating a pattern of sacrifice, not knowing to give themselves value, they exist for the others, their partners, their children, their family or work. Over the years emotions, desires, wishes, thoughts are being suppressed. Thoughts are not articulated, but swallowed, there is no place for expression. Not that the others would hinder or not allow, but the system of that person doesn’t allow such a space to exist. So the person unconsciously creates their own prison, a prison that exists inside, in their inner world.

The space inside fills up, thoughts occupy the body parts and prevent those parts to have enough space to live. Due to the occupation by thoughts, suppressed desires, wishes and unaccomplished actions these body parts with time wither, they lose their flexibility and their ability to renew and regenerate themselves. The body stiffens, the fluidity is reversed and cannot flow everywhere, stagnates and causes parts of the body to rot…slowly the inner balance starts being perverted, in the sense that things turn upside down. Sleep cannot happen, the brain cannot rest, and starts shutting down, forgetting, not wanting to think, not wanting to move. Huge walls, resistances build up, with tiny windows that are impossible to use.

I am sorry for being so dark… but really these thoughts happen in me. Therefore, I say to myself, how important it is to have the possibility to work on oneself. One needs to find themselves in the right moment, before it is too late, before the spaces are occupied in the body, and it becomes too hard to lift, to liberate, too heavy to tackle.

I have this in my mind: everything that we do, experience, decide, think, imagine shapes us, changes us and conditions our physicality. The lived experiences leave traces in our body, behaviour and mind. And the harder we are the more proud we become. A pride that is unhealthy, a pride that shuts us out of life, puts love and understanding away, and even if we want it or not transforms us into selfish and unsupportable beings. We become prisoners of this growing pride, and our paths of communication with the others, with ourselves and the world lose their fluidity, their multiple lanes and the two way flow. It slowly transforms into a one way street and then into a dead end.

The work during life is maybe the care of the fluidity in the movement, both physical and non-physical. The ability of thinking, being flexible, and knowing one’s own emotions and having a sincere relationship with one’s own feelings is a choice that one can make. This innerly care of one’s own mental, psychological and emotional life is very precious. 

This choice is a privilege. To hear the time when the soul asks for care is a privilege. To trust what one hears and to make space in one’s life to take care of oneself, of one’s soul, desires is also a big privilege. 

To confront our dark sides demands strength, humbleness and a lot of love. But without confronting them, without descending into the darkness all by ourselves we cannot find our light: because if the darkness were not, we wouldn’t see the light. 

Dear reader, you may take a breath, and also complain a little that today I am not so interesting, but that is what is occupying my mind, and I have to be sincere in these blogs so bear with me a little more. After these thoughts I also reflected on the fact that we can also construct a prison of thoughts. Imagine we think and think but don’t act, we stay within our thoughts and we cannot get out. 

Or we don’t think and just act, move, dance, focus on the bodily actions only…well… maybe that has more simple consequences for us. But my point is, that we need to be in action: that is to be able to pass into action- into our action. Because, in movement meet all aspects of ourselves: our body, our mind, our soul… our body moves and through movement opens space inside where all accumulated information can have space to flow, this liberation causes a motion in our mind, and thoughts start dancing in the body, they move from chamber to chamber and change the settings…and this change of the settings lures our soul to awaken, and it blows like a wild wind inside, opening the windows and doors to the outside, letting out the smell, the dust, the papers lying about, everything moves, flies, changes place, what is inside comes out and what is outside comes in.

The harmonious, organized movement, such as dancing… a dancing where one is in connection with oneself, creates a  more complete breathing between our inner and outer world. In this movement we encounter parts of ourselves. Different masks that we have, ways of feelings, states of being… These are the moments where through the dance we can see and meet ourselves. And if we have the balls to be sincere enough, to confront ourselves, and not deny, run away, lie, pretend, but have the guts to be there, right in our so-called “truth”, then something can move and open.

The more I feel the ground,

The more I am closer to the earth,

I can hear the plants’ whispers…

I can feel the courage to look into the space,

far up into the sky and beyond,

without feeling dizzy, afraid

I can jumps, fall

See, turn, take, give

hide, find, embrace

and cry, cry to my hungers depth,

until there are no more tears left,

and I fall into deep sleep

to wake up to a newer self.

The dance goes on… eternally

As long as the universe grows

the dance whirls.

I am finishing this blog dear reader while listening to the last piece on this beautiful album - Lieder Ohne Worte, interpreted by Javier Perianes called “Variations serieuses”, serious variations…. what a matching synchronicity… I am starting to feel an interest growing in me for Mendelssohn. 

I wish you a beautiful week, I hope that your actions and thoughts will be in balance, and that you will have moments of love..

Chances to fall in love with something…or with someone, again and again

Each fall is unique :)

B